Continued.....

1. A guy carrying around a goldfish in a plastic bag(that he had obviously won in a dime toss) waaay to early in the day for it to end well.

2. Twix the Racing Dachshund, wearing his credentials
(It was "Racing Dachshund Day" (it's true!) at the fair, and a brief conversation with Twix's owners revealed that, by entering Twix in the day's events got them two gate passes and a parking pass for $10 - an unheard of bargain. And Twix, a black and tan shorthair, got to proudly walk around wearing his Backstage Pass and had bragging (barking?) rights, too!

3. A teenage boy wandering around wearing a black T-shirt with what appeared to be a flat, flexible, internally illuminated volume meter that reacted rather dramatically to the changing noise levels on the midway by displaying red and green bars. Kinda cool, actually.....

4. Great Leaping Chinchillas! In the poultry and rabbit judging building, there was an exhibit by a chinchilla breeding group that would let you carefully pet a chinchilla (which has almost unfeelably soft fur), until one of the faster-than-the-human-eye critters jumped, leapt and bounced off of a cage (and a couple of fairgoers) and almost made it out the door (which undoubtedly would've led to a tragic deep-frying on a stick......) Think (Lilo &) Stitch with rocket boosters.....

5. A pitchman in the Commercial Building with the worst looking, dry, White Guy's Jericurls offering 'Free Hair Straightening'. Obviously he hadn't tried his own product. I might've bit if he was offering free hair........

6. Also in the Commercial Building was a while-you-wait teeth whitening enterprise (isn't this where every savvy consumer goes to get their teeth whitened?) filled with people making strange grimaces while eerie purple lights illuminated their teeth, just down the aisle from......

7. ...a booth selling Chocolate-dipped Frozen Cheesecake on a stick (with optional nuts and sprinkles.) This was one of the few items on a stick that wasn't deep fried. Yet, anyway......

And, somehow, the most nerve-jangling sight, shooting me straight from the Old School image of Midways smack-dab into the 21st Century:
8. Carnies Texting Each Other.....!!!!

Ok, I've got to go somewhere quiet and apply cold compresses to my frazzled nerves after that one.
Until next year's fair, anyway.

Contests article, but that would surely be up toward the top of the list.
But some of the imagery from this year's California State Fair do tend to linger, and most of it seems to involve food. Ok, claims that some particular combination of items actually is food.
Something you might never want to put in your mouth (let alone actually swallow).
And you pay good money for it.
And, against your better judgement (if any actual judgment is involved), you eat it.
Or maybe you just gamely take a proffered bite of something that somebody else doesn't want to go down in history as having been the only one to do so.
Nope, you did it, too.
And sticks were involved. You must understand that darned near everything is available on a stick, presumably for ease of eating, but possibly so that you will have something to chew on even if you really don't like the original concept.
Also great bubbling, churning, smoking vats of greasy trans fats* figure into the process, too. (Just thinking about it has my vitals bubbling and churning, too....)
But, here is some of what we saw.
And, yes, ate. And ate. And ate. uurgh.....

Grilled Caesar Salad (I'm pretty sure this was on a stick, or that the lettuce suddenly contained more fiber than usual.)
Deep fried s'mores
Deep fried Oreos
Deep fried Twinkies
Deep fried whole White Castle burgers (are you churning and bubbling yet?)
Deep fried zucchini on a stick
Deep fried nachos
Deep fried potato curls (slathered with what appeared to be LA Looks Mega Mega Hold)
Deep fried 'Zucchini Weeni' (a hot dog stuffed inside a zucchini and then coated with the traditional stucco-like corn dog batter and then deep fried - a sort of a Midway Turducken; this one, I am somewhat humbled to say, was a lot better than it sounds)
Deep fried Egg Roll on a stick

And, of course, the kind of Corn Dogs (which aren't Corn Dogs if they're not deep, deep fried) that make you wonder just what percentage of it is Corn and what percentage is Dog. Unable to resist the siren bark of the wild Cdog, I ordered one and found that I had been upsized to a Medium, with the compliments of the 'chef' (they had run out of the small ones, anyway.) It was huge, and could've contained an entire Schnauzer. The Large size was, I dunno, Mastiff, or something. Seriously (and that would've described by condition if I attempted to eat one of them), it was the size of my leg, and requires approximately a metric quart of mustard just to bring it into EPA compliance. It was about twelve bucks, I think, and took two people working from opposite ends to consume it.

Fortunately, they haven't figured out how to sell Beer on a Stick. Yet....

All of this stuff is in the finest tradition of "Midway Food": food that is designed not to stay down, sold in an area filled with rides that are designed to make it impossible to keep the stuff down anyway.......

Even more strange Fair sights later. I'm going out for an Alka Seltzer. On a stick.

Those Oh-Geez-I'm-Gonna-Be-Late-If-I'm-Not-Outta-Here-In-Three-Minutes days are often salvaged with my quickie, out the door chow. And I can manage to do it with the microwave thusly:

Ingredients:
one flour tortilla
one slice of cheese (up to about one ounce)
one raw egg

On a microwave safe plate, place the flour tortilla with the slice of cheese (about 3/4 oz. - something decent like medium cheddar or jack) on it and hit the "30 second button".
This means you've got the next 30 seconds to put the tortillas and cheese back in the fridge while you take out an egg, and scramble it up with an easily-cleaned fork in a microwave-safe bowl.
Ding!
Now hit the "1-minute" button, and let the cheese melt for another 15 seconds. Swap the plate for the bowl (being sure that you take the fork out, unless you like sparks!) and restart the microwave, cooking the egg for the remaining 45 seconds, which is enough time to pour a commuter cup full of chilled sweet iced tea and put a banana in your shirt pocket for dessert. (You could also fling a slice of ham or such onto the melted cheese if you are in such a mood. Allow about five extra seconds for this.)
Ding!
In one smooth motion, dump the now-set scrambled egg onto the tortilla, rinse the bowl and fork, roll up the now-complete breakfast and bolt for the door.
Elapsed time: Under two minutes, which gives me enough time to fumble around for my keys.
You'll arrive on time and well-fed, wherever you're headed! Just don’t try to text, tweet or talk on the cel phone while driving and eating.......
(note: this is based on a standard power microwave oven; smaller sizes may require you to get up a little earlier and run them a wee bit longer)

The above is not to be confused with:
On a Boy Scout backpacking trip one year, I discovered one of our leaders swore by his "Hit-The-Trail-In-Just-A-Couple-Of-Minutes-All-In-One-No-Cleanup" breakfast, which involved instant oatmeal, really hot coffee and an egg (which the cofee appeared to set), all in the same cup at the same time. I had to call this my "No, Thanks" breakfast, but it worked for him.

Barrymore, known affectionately as "The Great Profile" (and starring in a film of the same name) could toss off great quotes the way he could toss off libations, and apparently did plenty of both. (and, yes, he is a grandfather of an actress currently working in film today.)
Once, at a San Francisco seafood restaurant, Barrymore was served a whole crab. Well, it was almost whole, as it was missing one of its large (and quite succulent) front claws. In response to his complaint, the waiter patiently informed him that sometimes crabs will fight and lose a body part in the tussle. Dramatically pushing away the offending plate, Barrymore bellowed "bring me the winner!"

Barrymore's final words were "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." Fitness guru Jack Lalanne felt similarly, saying "I can't die, it would ruin my image."

system (three cheers for them!), Netflix has proven to be a boon, not needing to even elevate our heads out of the grotto to collect another cinematic gem. (Ok, we actually let our loyal Express Marmot, who handles all of our in/outgoing mail anyway, make the 3-1/2 story trek up the wrought iron staircase; she's so efficient at it, though....)
Our latest treat was a collection of now-obscure shorts by some of the Algonquin Round Table denizens, among them Alexander Wollcott (inventor of the Brandy Alexander, three more cheers!), David Ogden Stewart and, our favorite, Robert Benchley. (My favorite quote from him, of late: "Every boy should have a dog, for a dog teaches a boy three valuable traits: fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down." * )
Now YouTube has its benefits and devotees, but there turn out to be a lot of obscure, yet altogether interesting films in the public domain. A lot of these flicks will, depending upon your age, bring back some long-suppressed memories (maybe for the better....?) of a culture now long-consigned to the dustbin of history. On the other hand, I really like some of the glimpses into some of the barely-recallable rainy days during elementary school when they ran out of Duck-and-Cover Drill films.
One name that you likely don't know is Jam Handy. You would, however, recognize the visual style and substance of this organization's fine contribution to our great culture (great for enlightening the kids, who otherwise wouldn't believe you.) I'm not going to tell you anymore than that, believing that discovery is often the best part. But you just don't find streetcars that look like that anymore......

* another good quote about dogs and libraries: " Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Grouch Marx

photo courtesy of Taryn Cox' -The Wife website

salads and tall, cooling beverages to heartier fare.

What you are about to read is happening right now at our house, owing to a home visit by one of the kids and passel of his friends that he invited.

CRISPY ROAST CHICKEN

Some years ago we had our kitchen remodeled and had a ceramic cooktop put in - even though it meant we couldn't use our beloved heavy cast-iron frying pan on the stovetop anymore (or my Le Creuset pots, either ... I know: What were we thinking?). Anyway. We hung on to the black beauty though, because nothing's better for baking cornbread in, and you can also use it to make this great roast chicken.

The ingredients couldn't be simpler (and if you don't have a cast-iron skillet, a heavy metal pan of any sort will do - you're going to be seriously heating it and you don't want some wimpy pan that will warp).


Ingredients:

1 broiler-fryer, of a size that will fit in your pan once it's butterflied
Fresh herbs (optional; don't use dried, they'll just dry up and disappear) - oregano, thyme, rosemary or sage

Preheat oven to 450 degrees, WITH THE SKILLET INSIDE. Meanwhile, unwrap your chicken and remove the giblets. (If you have a cat, you can make it very happy with these.) Rinse the chicken inside and out.

This next step is possibly the most important: DRY THE CHICKEN THOROUGHLY. We know you're trying to conserve paper towels, but use enough to make sure the chicken's dry -- this will keep the skin from steaming rather than roasting. Or use a cloth towel and immediately throw it into the laundry (salmonella, you know). And, no, the blow drier is not recommended here.

How To Butterfly A Chicken:
With a sharp knife or poultry shears, carefully cut along the chicken's backbone, and open the chicken (like a book, with the breastbone as the book spine). Sprinkle what used to be the inside (which now will be the bottom) with salt and pepper; turn over and sprinkle the outside with salt and pepper.
(Here's a slightly more complicated way to do it.)

Open the oven and carefully place the bird, cavity side down, in the pan. It should sizzle. You don't need butter or oil; there's enough fat in the chicken (think "schmaltz.") If you're using herbs (we grabbed some fresh culinary sage out of the garden), tuck them in and around the chicken now. Close the oven door and check about 35-40 minutes later. If you have a kitchen fan, turn it on to vent possible smoke (and make the neighbors salivate, heehee.)

Test for doneness your favorite way (meat thermometer at 160 degrees, or make a cut near the bone to see if the juices run clear).
Remove to a platter, pour the pan juices over and serve with lots of green vegetables, your choice of starch and a salad.

The leftover carcass makes for a great soup base (and a kitchen that smells like autumn) - more on that another time - after we clear all the hungry hopefuls out of the kitchen and into the dining room.

Goes Well With:
Mixed Green Salad
Roasted Potatoes (in the same oven as the aforementioned Chicken In Question)
Green Vegetable of your choice (we found that our young-ish crowd would abide lightly steamed broccoli, believe it or not!)
Artisanal bread (we glommed some Trader Joes Sourdough Pugliesi for this)
A nicely crisp white wine (or even a mild red - you get to let your palate decide).

Ok, well, maybe beads did manage to work their way in there, as the Expedition did lug a heckuva lot of beads along with them, for purposes of trade with the locals. (Funny thing was, when they got this far west, the particular colors of beads were so unpopular as to be virtually worthless! Even the Clatsops were slaves to fashion way back then!)
It was fulfilling to have finally made it to the left end of the Corps of Discovery's trip, having also been to the very spot that they put in at the start of their trip near today's Jeffersonville, IN and Falls of the Ohio Park (which has a wonderful collection of fossils and, nearby, is Schimpff's, which is alllllmost as old.)
The Columbia River Maritime Museum was a wonderful, if too absorbing, stop. Really terrific interpretive material and a fantastic view of the mouth of the river and its environs. And I can't ever get enough of the view at Tillamook Bay at sunset......

In other inspiring news: here is the story of our local Scoutmaster's (and good buddy of mine) good example for our youth. I figure it really should be worth a year's supply of mouthwash, or something equally appropriate.

chapter of the International Society of Glass Beadmakers' charity event for the Beads of Courage (BOC) fundraiser.
In the off chance that you have never heard of BOC, it's definitely worth a look, particularly if your locale doesn't have a chapter (you could always start one.........hint, hint)

I would like to offer my most sincere thanks to all involved: those generous spirited bidders (who got to takehome some terrific jewelry) and everyone that helped run this event, and for letting me be a part of it (despite the inherent risks of letting me be a part of it!)

I'll let the BOC folks tell their story, because they can do it far better than I can. But I will tell you this:
...It's about helping kids.
...Really sick kids.
...Kids that, with a little help, can muster up more bravery than you can imagine.
...And they really deserve it.

* one of the most joyous celebrations that I can recall in our house was my wife & kids' reaction to my case of laryngitis a few years back. Three days of peace and quiet, my foot.........hmmph!

and I'm confident that it will be at least as much fun again. Meeting new old friends, swapping stories (and, of course, beads) and enjoying the heck out of the fare at Dan and Louis Oyster Bar. This place is the closest thing to our old Berkeley haunt, Spenger's Grotto*, way, way back in the day....... Plenty of unpretentious funk (we mean this in the nicest way possible) and really good seafood, especially those savory bivalves that we love so well.

While getting some new beads ready, I was listening to Dizzy Gillespie's Dizzier and Dizzier, and feeling weary, but encouraged at the nearing completion of my feathery task. I let out a somewhat explosive sigh of relief and, before I could even finish my sigh, I realized my horrific error. One should never sigh at a workbench covered with loose feathers. They were now colorfully drifting about the atmosphere in Studio H, right up to the point where the room fan current caught them and turned the mess into a vortex of disaster. It looked like the scene of a terrific pillow fight (minus the coeds......) Well, a little randomness never hurt anybody,right? Looks like I've got a year's supply all around me.......

* looks like we're inexorably drawn to grotteaux, huh?

feeling all aglow. The party was literally a mile long, from the top of the street (in Berkeley) to the bottom (in Albany.) This was our fourth year, and the opening parade is always an inspiration, with all the elements of a home-grown, howmetown event (Cub Scouts,local youth soccer club) to some of the less-likely (I'm still not 100% certain that I saw the exotic dance troupe playing unicycle basketball; please reassure me that somebody else saw it, too.....)

It's always cool to work an event that involves people and their dogs (and there were a lot of them, all just well-behaved enough), with many dressed up for this special day out. Plenty of interesting foods, terrific crafts and lots of interesting aromas (the dogs and I tend to take slightly different approaches on this last part.)

Despite an highly-unusual rain shower at the end,I can't wait until next year's!

Next stop: Portland!

weekend, serving as the road crew for some of the "Majestic Saw Players." The various performers were featured in the "Weird, Wild, Wacky California" pavilion (where else, right?), and were situated amongst the biggest collection of strange collections that I have ever been witness to: Pez dispenser collections, waffle iron collections, Barbie (the doll, not Klaus) collections and a rather impressive collection of rubber duckies (go figure.) There was also a pretty good agglomeration of chrome trim and logos from various obscure automobile brands from down through the ages. My wife meanly remarked that it looked like a cross between my desk andour garage. I weakly countered that my collection of automobile logos was actually far more extensive than this mere bagatelle, but she remains dubious.

Some of our observations of the fair will follow in subsequent blahblahBlog entries, just as soon as we manage to get all of the churro dust out of our hair. You Have Been Warned!